How to Build Empathy in Relationships
The concept of empathy involves placing yourself in another person’s shoes, rather than just in your own. Empathy is critical in terms of our broader place in the world and how we interact with those who are different from us, but it is also incredibly important in our own homes.
We might not normally think about practicing empathy in our home lives, but that’s actually where empathy should begin.
This article will guide you through understanding why empathy in our primary relationships is so important. We’ll also give you tips for practicing empathy and compassionate action toward your partner.
What is Empathy?
“Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person [...]” (Psychology Today). For example, if your partner comes home from a long day feeling forlorn and overworked, you are able to place yourself in her shoes and understand just how exhausted she may be.
Having empathy should lead you to doing something for your partner when she feels this way, such as making dinner for her or putting the kids to bed so she can have some alone time.
This is called compassionate action, and it means that you are able to “suffer together” instead of placing blame or misunderstanding your partner when she cannot relate to you because she is so exhausted.
Put another way, when you practice empathy, you are able to “sense other people’s emotions coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling” (Berkeley.edu).
Doing so means that you aren’t just thinking about what you might be feeling. You actively consider the thoughts and feelings alongside (not in place of) your own.
Why Practice Empathy in Your Relationship?
It can be difficult to want to practice empathy in a relationship. After all, in most modern partnerships, both people work, and if they have children, childcare responsibilities are often shared (of course this differs from couple to couple).
So if both partners are working--even if one works at home caring for children--why should both partners make an effort to think about each other’s perspective?
Here’s the reason, and please read it carefully: according to Greater Good Magazine (a UC Berkeley publication) having empathy is often the first step toward compassionate action.
Compassionate action is key toward a healthy, loving relationship. It means that you are able to engage empathy and see your partner’s perspective and then act in a compassionate way toward them.
Compassionate Action in a Relationship
Pema Chödrön defines compassion as “not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”
Chödrön’s definition solves the problem of both partners needing empathy because it defines compassion as a “relationship between equals.” One person does not always have to be hurting and in need of compassionate action while the other serves them.
Empathy with compassionate action is a reciprocal endeavor in which partners actively work to help and support one another.
Tips for Developing Empathy in a Relationship
Empathy is a skill that we develop as children (see our article on “Why Empathy is Important for Kids” for more information), but it still needs to be honed and practiced throughout our lives.
It’s very easy (we’re guilty of this, too!) to think only of your own perspective and your own problems and forget about those of others.
We are naturally inclined to look out for number one, and that’s okay! However, once our own needs are met, it’s crucial that we consider the needs of our spouse or partner second.
Let these tips for developing empathy and practicing compassionate action guide you as you work on seeing the world through your partner’s eyes.
Talk about your thoughts and feelings. This one might sound like a no-brainer, but it’s impossible to put yourself in your partner’s shoes if you don’t know what is going on in his or her life. Have no clue what your wife does at home all day with the kids? Ask her about her day, and then listen carefully. Don’t understand why your husband is always grumpy when you two meet for happy hour after work? Ask him what’s going on. Listening (really listening) is the first step toward becoming more empathetic.
Follow up. Life often gets in the way of our good intentions, but try and be more mindful about following up with your partner throughout the day after you have had one of the talks listed above. If your spouse told you all about a problem she is having at the office, send her a quick text the next day to let her know you are thinking of her and that you support her. If your husband stays home with the kids, ask him about a problem he’s mentioned in a way that makes him feel supported and that you care. Taking a moment to follow up with your partner goes a long way.
Don’t pass judgement or compare hardships. It’s often hard to practice active listening without thinking things like, you think THAT’S hard, try dealing with MY BOSS. As you develop empathy with your partner, try your best to avoid comparing what s/he is going through with what you are going through. Whatever feelings are brought up as you talk are valid. It is important to avoid judgment of feelings, too. You would never want your partner to say “well, that’s not a big deal” or “you really need to just get over it.” Allow your partner to express their feelings without comparison or judgement.
Practice empathy over anger. It’s easy to get angry when an issue comes up within your relationship, but as you feel anger blossom, stop for a second or two of reflection before responding. Now that you know, from active listening, what your partner is struggling with, take a minute to gauge whether or not the issue that the two of you are having might stem from that. For instance, if your partner is struggling with a disrespectful client at work, then perhaps she might come home and snap at you easily. Saying something like, “I know you are frustrated at work and this doesn’t necessarily have to do with me. Would you like to talk?” is more helpful than responding to anger with anger.
Utilize Compassionate Action. Last but definitely not least, empathy builds compassionate action because when you understand your partner’s perspective, then you can help them by performing compassionate actions. Here are some examples:
If you know that your partner has been at his or her wit’s end with a deadline at work, plan a date night out (after asking what timing would work). This can be a simple movie night on the couch with a dinner that you have made, or if getting out of the house would help, then go out to a place you know your partner enjoys.
If you know that your partner is dealing with an aging or ill parent, ask if you can help shoulder some of the burden. You could drive your in-law to doctor’s appointments, stock their shelves with groceries, or make sure their bills are paid. Engaging in these compassionate actions will show your partner that you are empathetic toward their situation of caring for a loved one on top of all their other responsibilities.
If both of you have been going through a lot (whether professionally or personally), take some time to plan some self-care that you can do together. Talk about what you are both going through, and then decide on a self-care activity. This can be a couples’ massage, a hike on a favorite trail, or even just doing the laundry and cleaning the house together so that this is off both of your plates.
The Benefits of Empathy and Compassionate Action
Once you place yourself in your partner’s shoes and are able to practice compassionate actions such as those listed above, practicing empathy should become a give-and-take that you can both benefit from.
Of course, it’s not necessarily easy to be empathetic or to take action to do things that alleviate your spouse’s burdens. It is, however, critical to the health of your relationship that you do so. In short, you’ll both be better for it!
If you are struggling with empathy in your relationship and need additional resources, please reach out to Atlanta Innovative Counseling Center.
We have many licensed, professional couples counselors who would be happy to work with you on building empathy in your relationship. Your relationship is worth it!